D’emblée, I will be clear : I'm not a psychologist by training more than doctor or pharmacist. My job is more like that of coach. But that does not stop me from thinking ! And my job forced me to develop my ability to think about human behavior, the unspoken and hidden agendas. So I'll give you a few thoughts that I have been working for the early summer 2007.
It all started when I stumbled to the radius “pregnancy” a large general library on a book about the psychology of desire for a child from his generation until his death. Thinking about a possible form of reading, I started to leaf, a tear in the eye…
And there, an article on abortion published in my evening paper reference I remembered : great some contraceptive failures correspond in fact to pregnancy used to prove the woman she might be pregnant. Sentence all the more important in my reading of scientific articles, I have seen some women wear a mutant gene that prohibits their embryos to locate.
Since these data have continued to swirl in my mind with the idea met over the course of my reading on the naturopathic “Interior Master”. This corresponds to a the unconscious level governing “goals of the Incarnation” some would say and decide for certain experiments required for the development of the subject, such as illness, success, failure…
I obviously redesigned pregnancies miracles encountered forum, just before a memorandum of AMP or those followed by an amazing miscarriage, and the ability to have more natural to start the day off spontaneously decided for a blood test or control.
And if the problem was the desire for children ?
And if in fact these women did not desire a child but the desire to see their full femininity or virility their partner by their potential ability to procreate ?
And if the colossal difference between the huge number of amenities to the adoption and the weak reality of adoptions was also due to the satisfaction of social recognition on the ability to be a “good mother” without wanting to go all the way (attention, I do not deny the difficulty of obtaining a child for adoption or the lack of adoptable children, but reflects on the reasons that can then be reduced while the first stage is reached !)
And if the difficulty some men to accept sex in the window of opportunity for fertilization had a refusal latent kinship ?
And if the ease with which some women are just the opposite (bike, ski, riding… ) what is recommended to maintain a pregnancy, Yet precious, was connected with a lack of interest unconscious for the unborn child ?
And if the timing just was not good ? or spouse, not the best parent or parent ?
The example of our parents who agreed to put us in the world, willingly or by force- the need for preservation of the species, the need for affiliation, social pressure make it difficult to recognize a non-desire for children, and even admitting.
This Desire is not difficult to assume socially, The proof of the quips of style “she does not want children to not become damaged”, “a selfish couple who lives only for himself and his interests”, “be his wife / her husband is already a full-time work, a child would have no place”…
These infertile couples conceive and then exploding into a new trouble-free couple, pregnant women or those of the first IAD may also enter into this pattern of “wrong partner gene”, if I am referring to the “War of Semen” (on. already mentioned.) The pendant is sometimes understood as the reflection which the marriage was not possible with the father / mother of a first child because he / she was not the man / woman in his life…
Not to continue the family line is also a selfish act compared to its ancestors, compared with our “debt of life” : they arranged for their genes (and sometimes meager belongings) be transmitted, thus forming a link in a long chain that starts from Adam and Eve to get to us. And we, we decide to discontinue this voluntary solidarity between generations to enjoy one of the capital provided ? That is to regain for us the land that normally we take our children ! This interruption deprives our predecessors in this burst of physical immortality and deprives the kind of part of its genetic diversity. Well, design of a clandestine lover is cheating with the progeny social father.
Hence the problem that some(and)s meet to confess in a whisper, before screaming in the face of the world, that trip is not their parenting and they are made to be of great aunts / uncles / godfathers / godmothers and poor parents ! Their only child or a very suitable.
And if it was just the fear ?
And if the problem was not a lack of desire for children but simply the fear related to his arrival ?
Fear of multiple births, so common in LDCs and encouraged by the implantation of several embryos (Belgium also tests the relocation of a single pregnancy with almost as much as in a multiple re-implantation),
Or fear of dying at birth as the cousin of my husband who died of bleeding during delivery…
Fear of life changes and the passage of the couple-couple-lover or parent : We all know couples that exploded after childbirth.
Afraid not to live up, not to be a “good parent”. Fear all the more significant that you confess to some whisper-when they say- having carried out an abortion in their youth, usually because the companion, time or both was not the right, brief they had no choice : failures in LDCs can also fall permanent self-flagellation, of punishment.
A solution : the sincerity
Infertility is a time of life particularly hard for themselves, for the spouse, for torque. It requires thinking, when it lasts over time, on life goals and plans in the short / medium / long term.
In three years on an infertility forum, I saw women stop all treatment after a first failure to leave for adoption, I saw s'acharner for years ending in egg donation and birth of the first transfer, I have seen all kinds. And that's why LDCs must include any team psychologist, with which maintenance is unfortunately not mandatory.
I'll end this long discussion of my doubts to address the method “orientation solutions”, used in brief therapy and coaching. In this method “collaborative”, the subject is the expert of his problem and can be brought through specific questioning verbalize the solution it proposes the most suitable to solve the problem.
The girl who is afraid of monsters in the dark can call his mother a “chest monsters” which enclose the night. I suggest you read the excellent article synthesis on the subject of a therapist hypnotist and those on “collaborative approaches” and “author of his life again” a training center coach.
This method has a prerequisite : the franchise. Franchise already with yourself about the project life, the objectives during a treatment and means to achieve the goal.
The therapist will be a mediator but YOU are the owner of the truth.
Another technique you can implement only(and) is writing ; I suggest you tell you in writing and reflect the history of your desire for children, how it manifests itself and how you intend to take to achieve it, much like the diary of a teenager. This “journal” not intended to be read by your partner, but only by you and any future psy. Write forced to organize their thoughts and ideas to settle. Then how will you write your life when the child will be there.
For you to be honest with yourself and with your spouse as :
- do you want a child,
- you want with this partner,
- you want at any price,
- are you ready(and) to accept the risks and the changes it will bring,
- you or not accept this child as conditional
- so that ?
Four months after the initial publication of this article, I will add to new thinking :
- Are you willing to share your spouse with a child who is an intruder in your relationship ?
- What is the first step to prepare for the arrival of this child ?
And how will you know it is reached ?
- How do you imagine your future when the child will be there ? What will be different ?
And if you want to write on top of your strengths, I suggest you do as I : drawing !
Draw like all “arts” uses the right brain while writing engages the left brain, rational.
Therefore, draw a picture symbolic as I made my darling waiting to be called to the puncture.
You will do as often as you like, with the only requirement not to watch the previous drawing before drawing the new.
Here are the instructions for(with) drawing(with) projective(with) :
“Symbolically represent what it means for you and your partner,
- the desire for children,
- a child.”
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